Thread: "more Christian jokes! "

more Christian jokes!
found on http://com1.runboard.com/bthechattingzone.fjokes.t25

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in
here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's
morning."
========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because
he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put
a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block
10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our
trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with
this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a
ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to
his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we
have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is,
it's still out there in your pockets."
========

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy
efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and
girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an
artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the
teacher asked "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a
long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many
cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant
pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It
seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long
trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
business."
========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center
of attention.
========

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know
what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean,
you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for
'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson
was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor
stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday
school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask
the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that
the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at
the last minute. The substitute wanted to
know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.
"But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the
announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters,
we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we
expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or
more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
________

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!

To get into heaven....
found on
http://www.christiansonline.cc/forum/showthread.php?t=1786
A man died and approached the Pearly Gates. St. Peter told him he had to test people with the point system to enter heaven. If he got to 100 points he could enter.
The man told Peter that he gave to the poor. Peter marked him down for 3 points.
The man thought again, then said that he tithed. Peter added one point.
The man, desperately searching his memory, finally said that he never cussed. Peter added 1/2 a point.
By now the man got very frustrated and said that at this rate he could only get in by the Grace of God. Peter replied, "Come on in!"

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Organally from
http://www.beliefnet.com/dailyjoke/dailyjoke.aspx?QID=4381
found reposted on
http://www.forumgarden.com/forums/showthread.php?t=7058

The Four Worms
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add
emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette
smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate
syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean
soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported
the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn
from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and
said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't
have worms!"
__________________
found on http://www.forumgarden.com/forums/showthread.php?t=7995

moses was walking up the mountain when god spoke to him, " moses do you want any comandments?" moses being jewish said of course, " how much are they?" god said, " nothing they are free" so moses said, "i'll have ten then in that case"

drop that cross once more and you'll be out the parade

An athiest was in the woods hunting and began stalking a large bear.
As he approached the bear he tripped over a rock and dropped his gun.
The bear turned and began chasing the frightened man.
Almost exhausted and just a few steps ahead of the bear the athiest looks skyward and sreams" Lord please save me" A booming voice answers"all these years yea have denied me and now at the moment of your death you ask for my help"? "Why should I help you who does deny me"?
The atheist replies "I guess your right but could you at least make the bear a christian,he has probably never doubted you.
God replied "Yes".
Just one step from the man the bear stopped dead in his tracks knelt down on his knees and prayed.
"Lord please bless this meal that I am about to recieve"

On their way to get married, a young couple is
involved in a fatal car accident. The engaged youngsters
find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they
possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter
showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't
know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let
me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer. . for
a couple of months. While they waited, they
discussed that IF they were allowed to get married
in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the
eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't
work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together
FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns,
looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the
couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!"
said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what
if things don't work out? Could we also get a
divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his
clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked
the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three
months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY
idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
found on
http://com4.runboard.com/bashaftofwit.fjokesandfunnies.t654

Actually thank you for posting

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:

10) The Preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians ... and you check the table of contents.
9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.
8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."
found on

http://com4.runboard.com/blifetheuniverseandeverything3.fmainchat.t54

A man and a vicar was going hunting. The chap spotted a deer, pulled out his rifle, pulled the trigger, but missed. He cried out: **** I MISSED!!

The vicar quickly reminded the man that he shouldn't cuss like that, if he wanted to escape the wrath of God.

Okay, 2nd time, 2nd miss: HOLY ****!!! I MISSED, yelled the Hunter. And the Vicar reminded him again. Yeah, yeah, whatever..

3rd time, 3rd miss, no deer. Frustrated, the man cried out loud: HOLY MOTHER****ER, I missed!!

Sound of thunder from above.. Lightning strikes down on the Priest and kills him. Then a voice from up above: **** I MISSED!!!