My 15-year old first cousin died yesterday from brain cancer. Actually all the doctor couldn't do more.
We were of the same age, we were friends since we were 14 years old, but when we were 15 he stole my gf and i never talked to him again.
I hated him a lot for stealing me what i loved most and i just ignored him and her.
We went to the same school and there they were organizing some run for him and i actually didn't participated and i hated when everybody used to tell me: "c'mon he's you cousin at least run for him".

I visited him twice with my dad (he's the son of my dad's brother) but i wanted to go early.


The point is that when i went to mass i just wanted to get out and cry, weird i know, i made the excuse of wanting to go to the restroom.
Now i feel a some kind of bad, my uncle and aunt are obviously devastated.
At the funeral i didn't cry but when i went to my house after dining with my grandma i cried.
Why is this happening?