There is this girl I’ve had an infatuation with since I was in seventh grade, when we had Tech Ed together. I can even remember the first time I gave her a real look, and while she didn’t notice me back then I’ve always felt like throwing up when I was near her. And this isn’t an exaggeration, I mean if I tried to look at her in real life for more than a minute I would honestly throw up.
In eighth and ninth grades we had physical education together. The first time I saw her in eighth grade PE I could not take my eyes off of her, but it wasn’t just how beautiful she was that attracted me to her. It was the sense of vulnerability. Instantly I could feel and relate to the same way she felt because while I acted like an asshole in school, I was just as afraid and as timid as her. In that way she is better than me because I feel like she can say something without exactly saying it, she can say who she is just by her actions.
One of my ex-friends tried to get me to talk to her in ninth grade PE class, because we were waiting for the rest of the class to finish changing and we had a few minutes alone. I could feel myself breaking down for her, but see my ex-friend betrayed me before and somehow I had the paranoid delusion in my head that he wanted me to hook me up with her just to break it up and cause a world of misery for me. So I turned my head and said nothing.
Before I moved (my family didn’t even want to move but I was having a lot of problems at that high school), I tried to get the nerve to ask her out to see Revenge of the Sith with me but every time I saw her I felt so sick to my stomach that I could not face her.
So I contacted her and told her my life story on Myspace (this was in the Golden Age of Myspace), thinking she might understand. I told her things about myself I never told anyone else in my entire life. I was trying to show the vulnerable side of me I thought she would like. Well, according to my friend it only made her jaded.
I tried to get one of my friends in my new high school (I didn’t move far from where I used to live) to talk to her and while she gave me the hint to talk to one of her friends, I never realized it (when it comes to relations and relationships I’m a complete moron), but eventually I did contact one of her friends and we talked in a restaurant. She said the girl I liked was afraid that I would be too possessive and before I gave her two mix CDs, one of The Police and one of Sting. I tried to make her think otherwise when I played “If You Love Somebody Set Them Free”, but I don’t think she got the hint at all.
Overall I just felt awkward, especially when we went to my house because I wasn’t expecting it and the house was a mess. I did meet her again and we saw Spider-Man 3, but when I told her that I already saw it the previous week she thought I was lying to her and got all angry and didn’t want to talk to me anymore.
Now the girl I like has had a long-term boyfriend, but one of her friends tries to contact me. He even called me on my cell phone, and while I did call him back he never got in touch with me. I have, however, seen him in real life and sometimes I feel like he is stalking me so I never got the nerve to talk to him (he was in my class in sixth grade).
But it’s been awhile since all this has happened, and I cannot find a girl who can take my mind off of this girl. I’m obsessive, to the point where I’ve had erotomania with her before, and even bought her an engagement ring (she knew I was possessive before even I realized it). Every time I look at a girl, all I do is think, “The girl I really like is hotter”. Whenever I play a love song I think about her. And I know a LOT of love songs. It doesn’t feel right because I don’t feel like I’ve ever really had a shot with her, because she’s never actually talked to me, either in real life or on the Internet, so I cannot judge what she actually feels for me. I know I should just forget her, and I have asked other girls on dates (of course they had boyfriends), but whenever I get “the look” from a girl, even a hot girl, I make excuses not to act, including ways to figure out to see if it is possible for me and this girl I like to hook up.
I just can’t help myself. Sometimes I wish I never had seen her so I can go on with my life. I’ve tried to move on and go on dating websites, but even if they contact me back it is just to say that they aren’t interested in me. I even like a girl on here, on Yahoo! Answers, but I know it would never work, because she’s nine years older than me and lives like a thousand of miles away, but every-time I read one of her questions or answers I become more and more infatuated by this person on Yahoo! Answers. I’m thinking if I can fill the void of not having someone and not having the girl I really like by thinking about other girls maybe I could have a shot with one of them – especially the ones that live closer to me, but none of them seemed remotely interested in me and it’s funny I like this girl so much because I feel like she’s the only one who has actually given ANY attention to me at all.