Thread: Day 1 all over again!

Hi guys! Thank you so much for the well-wishing! I've been thinking of you all often and hope you're doing as well as I am!

I actually had to look at my original post because I'd lost count of how long I've been clean! My first day was March 20th, so I'm closing in on a month! I still feel fantastic and haven't had much of a struggle aside from the physical withdrawals those first few days. I've had a moment here and there where I find myself thinking, "Man, this would be a lot more fun if I took a pill" or "This is a whopper headache - that's what the pills are for." But I haven't given in. Sometime in the future I will need to evaluate how to manage pain without pain medication, but that's an issue for another day. (I was taking the pills for cluster headaches. The other potential problem would be if we decided to have another baby. I had a c-section with my son and, in our state, that requires that you have a c-section with any future pregnancies.)

Future concerns aside, I really am doing well. To be honest, I haven't been here since about the week mark for me. I felt like it was best for me to separate myself from the drama of addiction for a while. I don't mean that in the sense that anyone was being overly dramatic, it's just sort of the nature of addiction. I really, sincerely was ready to leave it all behind and move on with my life, and that's what I'm doing. I've said it before, but I'm just amazed at the ability of so many of you who are in recovery and are able to be here, day-in and day-out, offering support and encouragement to people who are still suffering. I hope that I'll be in that place one day and will be able to use my experiences to support the recovery of others.

I did want to share something that was really helpful to me. I chose not to mention it when I was here before because I respect the 12-step program and I understand how absolutely life-saving it's been for so many people. That having been said, it was not the right fit for me. I happened upon a book called "Rational Recovery" and I credit a lot of what it taught me with preparing me to be ready to start my own recovery. I want to put it out there right off the bat that the author(s) are VERY anti- 12-step. I am not, so I chose to just skip past those sections while I was reading. There are a million sources in life from which we can draw strength and educate ourselves, and it's not always necessary to agree with 100% of what they believe. Anyway, like I said, I have been very ... wary, I guess, of posting about the book because I have a great deal of respect for "The Program" and the incredible effect it's had on so many lives. But in the end I decided that if this book was helpful for me it could very well be a better fit for someone else who is struggling.

*sigh* My very very very best wishes to all of you. It's funny how my one little statement about looking at people around me in public has resonated with so many of us! I think the thing that's surprised me the most over this past month is how quickly things can turn around. I can't believe how much time I wasted every day thinking about those pills. In the past month I would say I've thought of them two or three times, a maximum of an hour, total. It's just remarkable how sort of obsessed you can be, for years, and then a month after being clean it's like my brain has been rewired. I have so much gratitude for my life now and I know that it only takes one pill to lose everything I've managed to regain. Seriously, there is NO HIGH that is worth that.

Alright, I'll shut up now! I'm thinking of you guys! I guess I'll do a quick browse and see if I can find some updates on those of you I got to know during my week here last month. All the best to you. And to those of you who are afraid to get started, you are stronger than you think you are. You deserve to live a happy, healthy, sober life. It's better than you can imagine and it's YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE. And even if your withdrawal SUCKS, if you feel like you have the world's worst flu for a week, or two weeks, or whatever ... that's nothing compared to the hell you've put up with remaining addicted. I PROMISE.

OK, seriously. Shutting up now...

Holly

Hi Holly,

Just remeraber that every day leaRAB to the next day. Personally, once I got to a certain point ( I think it was 2 weeks or so) I stopped counting the days. The reason I did this was because I wanted to stop focusing on the addiction and focus on life.

You've made it through the first hard days of wd's and you will continue on. Good luck in your recovery!!

that it is, an amazing feeling, my friend. And now, maybe we can be one of those people we used to look at and say, "man, look at that person, they're doin fine without pills"

Hi Holly, You are not alone . You could be writing my story (except the house thing, i'm jealous!!LOL) i've been on and off pain killers for 3 years now. I also look at other people, like while driving or at the store, and think, wow...they probably haven't had a pain pill in months and there not thinking about them.... but we never know , do we? I guess everyone has their issues. I know that i will get through today without one, so thats what I do. I wish you well, and all the luck in the world. Keep posting!

holly........ hows the day goin ya o'l grouch? haha.. been a strange one here.....up and down. w/d's just messin with me....teasing me. just when ya think the world is gonna smile on ya.................it dont. oh well, it's only day 3...patients grasshopper..

Hi, all! Thanks for the kind worRAB from so many of you!

DAY SIX! It's a strangely good day. Last night was fantastic. I'm still struggling with my appetite, but realized last night that peanut butter sounded really good. Ran to the store this morning and have had peanut butter toast for breakfast and a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. Good to have something in my system!

Last night I felt so happy! It's a lot easier to laugh than it used to be, which is kind of strange. Again, I think I felt like the pills were what made me happy. But boy was I ever wrong. I wake up in the morning and am so clear. That's something I'd forgotten.

Anyway, nothing substantial to report right now. Just really enjoying having control over my life back, having energy, feeling emotions ... mainly a lot of pride. I can't count how many times I'd be brushing my teeth at night, saying in my mind, "I can't take anything tomorrow. Under no circumstances will I take a pill tomorrow..." And then the next day would come and it would be the same old excuses, the same old weakness, until I was standing back at that bathroom sinking brushing my teeth ... "Tomorrow, I really mean it ... under no circumstances..."

But here I am! That first day is the one that counts, the hardest, the one I tried and failed so many times before. Tomorrow will be a week! I imagine to people who haven't walked this road, a week doesn't sound like much, but it'll be a big milestone for me.

Hooray! Best wishes to all of you who are struggling. There are so many of us here that are proof that you can do it.

Holly

Hey guys! So I'm past the month mark, which is so awesome! It really did pass so quickly.

I'm struggling a little bit over the past few days, which is why I decided to post. I've mentioned before that the start of my pill problems was when I started having cluster headaches about five years ago. They are inexplicably painful (like a migraine on steroiRAB!) and last for days, sometimes weeks, at a time.

I knew that I would need to figure out how to handle this eventually, but I was disappointed when a new cluster started about four days ago. It's so soon! *ack* It just stinks. I've been using every trick in the book to try to handle it on my own, with no pain medication. I'm starting to weaken, though. As I'm sure many of you know, you start to feel a little crazy after too long with substantial pain. It's hard, too, because I feel like it's unrealistic to say that I would never take pain medication again, for the rest of my life. But I'm fighting so hard against the addiction side of me, and I feel suspicious - of myself! Of my intentions! I feel like, "Gosh, I'm working really hard at maintaining sobriety, I'm doing so well. There's nothing wrong with taking prescribed medicine when you NEED it." I guess I just feel like I always used to have an excuse. Is this just an excuse? It's so hard to know what to do!

Anybody? The one thing I've learned here more than anything else is that we all have so much more in common than we think. So I figure many of you have had to face these kinRAB of decisions. I guess I'm just looking to talk it out.

Thanks!

Holly

holly... the w/d's will mess with your head for probably the next month or so...however, once you understand this, and accept it, you'll be fine. years ago when i quit...w/d's seemed to come and go constantly. the only thing i can tell ya is to power thru it. go back to doin the breathin exercises, etc., etc. do what you did when the w/d's first started on day one. for s*** sakes don't go get a refill...lordy woman, then you will go back to page 1. Patients grasshopper.......c'mon now, what's a little gettin sick....sheesh, we do it all the time. stomach flue, the measles, the mumps, chicken pox,... this is just another which happenes to be called withdrawal. when you get sick with something, ya take whatever meRAB ya can and let it run its course, don't ya? w/d's just take a little longer , that's all. hang on.....

Folks, please address holly's issues on this thread, and discuss your own issues on your own threaRAB.

56789, I have moved your discussion with milksnake to your own thread:
"tough but getting better"

hi holly that was a quick trip to the doctor ha ha ha , nice post , i could not help but go back to your first thread, an see hydro an i also mentioned . seeing the doctor. this was the one that made you feel so bad . be careful an atleast concider another med for head aches even if it is a narcotic. there may be a better chance that you can find something that works that you can use with vigelence , like how the klonapin has worked out for me after 10 years. an if this only happens with you every few months , just try something that you are not already addicted to , dont try to figure this one out alone that is what you want, i know cause you reached out :wave:find an alernative med to hydro, this is a strong sugestion