Thread: Well constructed essay? 10 points?

For english we had to contrast if something was different at school. I chose to chose if our school was a religious school.If Johnson High School was a religious school instead of a public school, there would be many differences. Public schools are based on the principle that every student needs to be admitted and that they must use as much as they can from what the state offers to them, and they try to base the curriculum on what is available. However, if a school is of religious orientation, they are probably a private school. Private schools are funded, therefore choosing what additional courses go into the curriculum. Private schools also do not need to admit everyone, so therefore those who are uncomfortable with religion in school do not need to attend. When contrasting the difference between a public and secular school like Johnson High with a private, religious school, the difference is clear. Prayer in school is a highly controversial topic, and while in Johnson High School it is not mandated, that could easily be changed if it was a private school. In public American schools, since 1948, the Supreme Court has battled cases whether it was constitutional or not to order the students to pray. The verdict is always the same: Forced prayer in pubic school violates the constitution. In Johnson High School, everyday during morning announcements students do not need to recite prayers. However, in some private schools, it is required to pray everyday. This is not against the first amendment as private school is a personal choice to attend. Prayer in Johnson High School would be a very noticeable difference if the school was a private, religious education facility. In Johnson High School, the basic courses are offered such as mathematics, social studies, English, science and foreign language. Other classes include cooking, art and gym. However, in a lot of religious schools, other courses are available such as the belief in the religion and the history of the religion. Study of the holy book is often available in religious classes, too. While you do not always have to be of the religion of a private school, it is often required to take the classes. By having students learn about the religion, it gives the more knowledge on the subject, and in turn about the followers. Perhaps one of the biggest differences between a public school like Johnson High and an independent religious school is the fact that religious schools have a tendency to censor its students more than a public school would. The Student Press Law states that school officials can not censor students’ articles in public school editorials in which the editor is a student themselves, also known as “Public Forum for student expression”. Again, the First Amendment does not apply to private school because they are not a government organization. Some books can also be removed from a private’s school library. In some private schools, students can even be punished for going against the rules off school grounds, such as giving a speech or writing a blog while away from school. However, some private schools uphold to their own personal regulations on the matter. Unfortunately, if the school does not allow a student to participate or display their beliefs, there is nearly nothing a student to do as it is their choice to attend the religious school. In Johnson High School, the students and staff enjoy Freedom of the Press, in some cases, more so than those attending a highly religious school. Johnson High School is a public, non-religious school. The ramifications of Johnson High School becoming a religious, and therefore a private school, would be numerous. Some changes would be beneficial, such as having religion classes, because it could perhaps educate the students, if conducted in an unbiased way. However, Johnson High faces the problem of becoming a stricter school by denying students rights. Those who do not practice the religion of a religious school would be forced to say prayers they don’t believe in and could not freely express their views in certain cases. Johnson School is much more accepting as a public school.Thanks to everyone who replied to my question and took the time to read it!-Kevin M-I am not sure how much of my personal beliefs I should put in it, but I will try adding my view-Benozna-Thanks. I will try to fix those sentance fragments. However I can't make the essay much longer, as it can only be a page long. I will edit it, though!-enjoi_boy16-Do you mean that perticular sentace, or the whole paragraph. My essay needs to be at least a page and no longer. What else should I adress?PlanetJandB-Very nice example. I will incoperate it into other essays alsoDana-Two mistakes in my intro paragraph is not a good reason to skip it over. I will happily change these mistakes and try to make it more interesting, however I will need a little more imput on you part if you are willing to help.Christina-Thanks for your indepth review. It is much apprecaited and I will edit my paper using your suggestions!Christina- I have finished editing the paper, however I think this assignment does not need a thesis. We are suppose to write "a detailed article providing supported speculation of the way things could be different"As I understand, thesis articles are only used in opinion essays, and I do not think this is an opinion essay.

*yawn* Why would anyone want to read this?

A little to technical to be honest.You should expand it a little by adding in your personal opinions in there.

I love your essay. Just a few minor details that I would edit. Elaborate on some of your sentences, some of them sound like fragments. Also when using 1st person and 3rd person dialogue make sure to establish the differences. All in all Io give it a 8.5/ 10

well thats pretty good but i wouldnt put thePerhaps one of the biggest differences between a public school like Johnson High and an independent religious school is the fact that religious schools have a tendency to censor its students more than a public school would bit in there

A well constructed essay needs 4 parts:Introduction (Thesis)State a fact, then two supporting examples.EX: If Johnson HS was a religious school then cats would fly and cows would meow.Example 1You need a topic sentance.ex. (if cats could fly than)Then expand on your first example.then tie it back to the thesisex. so if Johnson was religious cats could flyRepeat second paragraph except with second example (cows would meow)ConclusionRestate your thesis kinda, and then just wrap it up.

I think you need to get some of your facts straight. Like, they try to base the curriculum on what is available. How are their materials relevant to WHAT is taught. Private and public schools have very similar curriculum's, Also "Private schools are funded, therefore choosing what additional courses go into the curriculum" does not make sense, funded by whom? I didn't read the entire thing for several reasons. One: Where is your thesis, the paper has no organization without an intro paragraph that tells the readers what the point will be. I never continue reading an essay if the first paragraph doesn't tell me exactly what the following paragraphs are supposed to prove to me. This topic is actually quite interesting and you obviously have a lot of great points that you came up with but you have some serious organizational problems going on, and consequently your paper does not seem interesting.

"Public schools are based on the principle that every student needs to be admitted and that they must use as much as they can from what the state offers to them, and they try to base the curriculum on what is available."Sounds like a run on sentence, try breaking it up into two sentences."Private schools are funded, therefore choosing what additional courses go into the curriculum. "--funded by...?"In public American schools, since 1948, the Supreme Court has battled cases whether it was constitutional or not to order the students to pray."--try "Since 1948, the Supreme Court has decided to battle cases in American public schools on whether or not prayer in school was constitutional.""Because private schools don't receive funding from the government, morning prayer is admitted.""While you do not always have to be of the religion of a private school,..."--While you do not always have to be of the religion associated with the private school...""By having students learn about the religion, it gives the more knowledge on the subject,.."--take out the 'the' in front of 'more.'"Perhaps one of the biggest differences between a public school like Johnson High and an independent religious school..."-- 'between a public school, such as Johnson High and an independent religious...""...religious schools have a tendency to censor its students..."- have a tendency to censor THEIR students"Some books can also be removed from a private’s school library."-- The "'s " goes after 'school' not 'private.'"However, some private schools uphold to their own personal regulations on the matter. "-- take out the 'to' between 'uphold to their""Some changes would be beneficial, such as having religion classes,..."-- Either make it "having religious classes" or "having religion in classes"Over all its a good paper, just a bit miss-worded in some areas. Are you supposed to have a thesis because I couldn't find it? Or find it restated in the conclusion. If not, you're in good shape. I would give it a low A or high B.