I was making a joke to prove that I'm funny and it went all wrong... It was for self entertainment and now it's not so funny anymore because I cant get it out I tried everything and I really don't want my mom and dad to find out cuz there gonna end up telling my friends then I'm gonna end up bring known as the guy who shoves iPhones up his as? and I don't want that

It's been in there for a hour now and it hurts

What do I do?