Joke thread part quatre!

[♥3oh!3Freak♥]

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Mister Rod, Sir. This is Jenkins, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Jenkins. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Errrrm, I am just calling to advise you Sir, that your parrot is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Yes, Sir, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Sir."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Sir. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thorougrabroadred, Sir."

"My prize thorougrabroadred is dead?"

"Yes, Sir, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Sir."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, Jenkins?"

"The one at your house. A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying Jenkins - that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Sir."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Sir."

"WHAT B****Y FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Sir". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Jenkins, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sxxt."

[ErynJean]

Not up to the standard here but it's night shift and I'm tired. Apologies in advance to all Welsh blondes.


What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A labrador.


What do you call a blonde with her hair dyed brown?

Artificial Intelligence.


What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

Pregnant.


How do you confuse a Welshman?

Put 3 shovels against the wall and tell him to take his pick.

[Rolzey]

10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Christianity

1. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
2. Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.
3. Beer has never caused a major war.
4. They don’t force beer on minors who can’t think for themselves.
5. When you have beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors trying to give it away.
6. Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over their brand of beer.
7. You don’t have to wait more than 2,000 years for a second beer.
8. There are laws saying that beer labels can’t lie to you.
9. You can prove you have a beer.
10. If you’ve devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you

[♥kaydens♥ ♥mommy♥]

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast ‘The Flintstones’.
A spokesman for the channel said….
‘A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but
we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.’

[ii<3SP@RKLyyV@MPiiR3z!!]

you have to laugh though

[Shansl5]

Saw a scarecrow this morning trying to play with himself....he was clutching at straws

[janew]

Dont get the OP joke ???

[fat_flying_pigs]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments.." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair......

[c-My-p-P]

[Lea E]

Pope Benedict landed at Edinburgh Airport this morning. After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the Popemobile (and he doesn't travel light), the driver noticed the Pontiff still standing on the pavement.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' said the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' said the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protested the driver wishing he'd never gone to work this morning.

'Who's going to tell?' said the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope clirabed behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floored it, accelerating up the M8 towarRAB Bellahouston Park at 155 mph (Remeraber, the Pope is German).

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleaded the worried driver...... but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal until they heard sirens around Harthill.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my licence - and my job!' moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the cop approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Sergeant,' he said.

The Sergeant came on the radio and the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going 155 mph on the motorway.

'So book him,' said the Sarge.

'I don't think we want to do that........ he's really important,' said the cop.

The Sarge exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean REALLY important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Sarge then asked, 'Who do you have there, Alex Salmond ?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'David Cameron ?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Prince Charles ?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Sergeant, 'who is it?'






Cop: 'I think it's God!'







The Sarge was even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'






Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'