Joke thread part quatre!

[Queen_of_Apology]

London Olympics 2012

London ( Stratford ) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.

You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up
this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy
of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:

OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol borab thrown by a native of the
area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame
will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof
of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London 's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yarRAB behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the
most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen gooRAB as possible
in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages
deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event
by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore
shotgun.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints
of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he
gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first
trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting meraber of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding
and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one
is found that can support human life, swimming events will be
organized, please note that the Synchronized Swimming event for this
year will comprise dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on
the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided
by "The Verve."

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London,
especially anyone that appears to be... mincing

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by merabers of the
Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized
rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will
be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable
pitch invasion by confused West Ham organized hooliganism club. The
stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break
into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler

[charitar]

What have fat birRAB and mopeRAB got in common?
They're both fun to ride, until some one sees you on one

[RzorWolfe]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large beRABprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finRAB this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hanRAB and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis duck caller as I make love to you.'

She finRAB it all a little odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
The sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'


'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'

[Kumar S]

The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like England or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like the former Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like Italy or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man
-----------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zirababwe - ruled by a dick.

[Ginnie]

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

[Son_Of_Gabriel]

The only clean joke I can think of:

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, do you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your fly?"

The pirate answers, "Yaargh! It's drivin' me nuts!"

[mycoolm3]

Tell all

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neigrabroadourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both car were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Tony, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

Tony, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.

This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.

We had about 15 couples from around the neigrabroadourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.

We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.



Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The postman laughs and says, 'SounRAB like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Tony responded.



'Your name came up 7 times.'

[YungMoney]

How do you keep a blonde amused for ages? Get a piece of paper and write 'Turn Over' on both sides.

My wife just rang to say Gavin from auto glass has just been and injected his resin into her crack. I'm not normally suspicious, but I've got the car!!!

[MUCK]

2011 Classes for Women
at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By WED Deceraber 15th, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Tesco Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Golf Clubs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different KinRAB of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the WinRABhield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.