Okay, so i love chinese food. I'd eat it everyday and night if I could. Actually, I wouldn't. But nevertheless, I love me some chinese food.

Most people go to chinese restaurant when they want chinese food. Some get takeout. Not me motherf*ckers, I have a chinese food secret.

Safeway.

Thats right, Safeway, the grocery store. There is one a little ways from my house that has chinese food in the deli. AND they actually hired real chinese people to cook it. An old black woman may be getting it for you, but the little gook motherf*cker is back there cooking it, while reading a calculus textbook. God bless you crazy chinks.

Now, I don't f*ck around when it comes to chinese food. I always know exactly what I want from Safeway. A pork eggroll, steamed rice and sesame chicken. A buttload of sesame chicken. Its better than sex. The only thing that could make this stuff better is actually having sex while eating it. Even then, I'd be more into the chicken than the girl. Unless it was Jessica Alba. Oh good god, Jessica Alba and chinese food.


*MASTURBATION BREAK*

Much better.

So I walk in and get my usual pre chinese food shopping done. A pack of gummy worms, a bottle of Kiwi Strawberry Snapple and a pack of condoms. Seeing as I haven't got laid in about 3 months the condoms are purely for show. I don't want the old lady at the checkout stand to be disappointed in me.

I've got my faggy little basket with my purchases and I make my way to the deli. There is only one person ahead of me, and one person behind the counter. Cool, this shoudn't take long.

As I wait I whip out my phone and make a call to my friend Jason, discussing our plans for the night.

Recap of the conversation:

Me: Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Him: Nothing.
Me: Hang out, get f*cked up?
Him: Sounds good.

So after this conversation, the b*tch in front of me is still making her f*cking order, and the old lady behind the counter is getting annoyed. So I whip out my phone and make another call. After a few minutes, the bitch still hasn't f*cking finished her order. And I notice that the lady behind the counter hasn't moved. My friend asks me, what I'm doing

Me: I'm trying to get some fucking chinese food.
Her: What do you mean "trying"?
Me: This b*tch in front of me taking forever.

Apparently, B*tch didn't like that. She turns and shoots me a dirty look, to which I reply with an "I love you too" grin. I hang up on Jessica as the B*tch is fumbling around in her purse. I'm struggling to figure out what the f*ck the problem is, and she pulls out her phone. All I heard from her conversation (before everything went dark) was "Honey, do you want sweet and sour chicken, or sweet and sour pork?"

Oh my god.

This f*cking t*at just wasted 10 minutes of my godda*n life trying to decide between Sweet and Sour chicken, and Sweet and Sour pork?!

I'm seriously about to lose it. My left eye is twitching, my semen is boiling and my nipples are starting to itch, a sure sign of rage.

"So wait, you want pork and not chicken? Yes they have chicken. I don't know they both look the same."

F*ck this.

The moment she hangs up her phone I walk right next to here.

"Excuse me, I want ten minutes of my life back."

"Pardon?"

"You just sat here and debated the metaphysical ramifications of sweet and sour chicken vs sweet and sour pork." I said "You have wasted a good chunk of my valuable time, and I want it back."

"I can't give you time, now wait your turn you little sh*thead. I needed to know what my husband wanted."

"Excuse me, C*nt? Did you just call me a sh*thead? No no no, you just wasted my time and now your calling me a shithead. Lemme explain something to you. This food has been sitting here all f*cking day, in its little f*cking container. After sitting there all day, they taste EXACTLY THE F*CKING SAME!! YOU COULD COOK MY F*CKING SOCKS IN SWEET AND SOUR SAUCE ALL DAY AND IT WOULD TASTED EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE CHICKEN, AND THE F*CKING PORK! NOW HURRY THE F*CK UP YOU YAPPY TW*T!

Apparently Safeway employees don't like it when you scream the words "Shut the f*ck up you yappy tw*t" in the store. I was immediately removed from the store, and told never to return. As I was escorted out I swear to god the lady behind the deli counter mouthed "Thank you" to me. I don't know what kind of car that b*tch drove, but she looked like she drove a ginormous SUV so I keyed the godd*mn Explorer next to me. If you own a hunter green explorer with the "Tw*t" keyed into the passenger side door, I apologize, but you should have fucking parked so close to me. If you are the the b*tch who cost me my god damn sesame chicken, F*CK YOU, YOU F*CKING HARPY! I HOPE YOU GET RAPED BY A SWORDFISH