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Great "Simpsons" Quotes

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing. -Homer ("The Otto Show')

Fine! I'll sleep with someone who DOES appreciate me. -Homer ("Three Gays Of The Condo"

You people are pigs! -Krusty ("Lisa's First Word")

I don't have to take suggestions from you, you barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing, know-it-all! -Homer ("Lisa The Vegetarian")

Let's destroy ever child...friendly thing in town! -LinRABey Negale ("Marge vs. SSCCTG")

If you survive, please come again! -Apu ("Boy Scoutz N The Hood")

And all those opposed to horse-whipping Homer Simpson?
...Me. -Mayor Quiraby and Homer Simpson

Look a bear! -Homer ("Children Of A Lesser Clod")

Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Barting Over

Lawyer: Your son alleges you have an anger management problem.
Homer: Why you LITTLE-! I'm sorry, that was a rare lapse in my normally calm demeanor.
Judge: Will the stenographer please read that back that previous statement?
Stenographer: "Why you little-!".
Homer: (to stenographer) Why you LITTLE! (Bart laughs) (to Bart) Why you LITTLE! (to judge) Why you LITTLE!

Dead Putting Society

(after writing up the bet on the mini golf game)
Marge: I suppose you two have to sign this. I hope BLOOD won't be necessary.
Homer: I'm game if YOU are, Flanders.

Lisa Gets an A

(Bart takes Lisa to the boy's bathroom)
Lisa: I can't go in there!
Bart: Oh relax. There's nothing here you didn't see when Dad boycotted pants.

^ I hope he didn't boycott underwear, too.

Great "Simpsons" Quotes

"Excuse me, but could you tell me where I can find some BURNS-O's?"

Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Here's a few more great Simpsons quotes for a Christmas present:

Homer: [Popeye-like voice] Eh, looks like I need some fuel for me mule; gas for me ass.

Lisa: [As the Simpsons swim away from Alcatraz] Swim towarRAB San Francisco!
Homer: I'm not made of money! We'll swim for Oakland!

Patty: The older they get, the cuter they ain't.

Hans Moleman: You took four minutes of my life and I want them back. Oh I'd only waste them anyway.

Marge: Well most women will tell you that you're a fool to think you can change a man, but those women are quitters.
Lisa: What?
Marge: When I first met your father, he was loud, crude, and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person.
Lisa: Mom...?
Marge: He's a whole new person, Lisa.
Lisa: Oh, I know.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiight.

Merry Christmas!

Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Just one this time:

Lost Our Lisa

Milhouse: (regarding the joke facial accessories) If you put dog doo on the suction cups, they'll stick better.
Bart: Milhouse, I'm not gonna take dog doo that's been on the dirty ground and put it on my face.

^ So if the dog doo weren't on the dirty ground, it'd be perfectly OK?

Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible.

Wiggum - "Would an innocent person flee? Seriously, I don't know, would they?"
Lou - "Chief, no."
Ralph - "Even I knew that!"
Wiggum - "Yeah, I'm...I'm not good..."

WOW, Wiggum. That's just sad, even for you.

Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Homer: Boy, if you were half as smart as you thought you were, you'd clean up your act!
Bart: Well maybe playing pranks is the only thing I'm good at.
Homer: At least you have something you're good at. I'm 38 years old, driving a crappy car, with a son who doesn't respect me, and I'm one Snickers pie away from losing my foot to diabetes! Mmmmmmm. Snickers pie....

So long, foot.

Homer: You know, I've had a lot of jobs: boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby proofer, trucker, hippy, plough driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, drifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country western manager, garbage commisioner, mountain cliraber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe, and missionary, but protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.

Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Homer trying do defend his decision to own a gun...

"A gun is not a weapon Marge,it's a tool....like a butcher's knife or a harpoon or an...alligator"

(love the randomness/stupidity in his last choice)...
******
Homer to the Max (Homer changes his name to Max Power after a stupid TV character also has the name Homer Simpson)

on his choice of a new name: "Isn't it great?...I found it on a hair dryer"...

(gotta love random Homer logic )

later on...

Homer (to Bart and Lisa): There's three ways to do something: The right way,the wrong way,and the Max Power way...

Bart: Isn't that the wrong way?

Homer: Yes,but faster!!!
*****

Great "Simpsons" Quotes

Duffless:

Kennedy: I would like to take this opportunity to announce my fondness for, uh, Duff Beer. (audience cheers)
Nixon: I'd also like to express, er, my fondness for that particular beer. (no response from audience)
Homer: The man never drank a Duff in his life.

Also:

Duff rep: What does the future hold for Duff? Let's just say we have a few tricks up our sleeve.
Homer: Like what?
Duff rep: ...I'd rather not say.
Homer: Why not?
Duff rep: All right. We don't have ANY new ideas. Happy?
Homer: No?

Principal Charming:

Marge: Don't worry, Selma, there are plenty of fish in the sea, right Homer?
Homer: Oh yeah, plenty of fish! (quietly) You just don't have any BAIT.

^ This is kind of an underrated line. I love Homer's delivery.

Bart's Comet:

Radio DJ: Top of the hour, time for the morning news. But of course, there is no news yet. Everyone's still asleep in their comfy, comfy beRAB. Good night, everybody.

^ Way to rub it in.

Selma's Choice:

Patty: I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone.
Selma: Her legend will live forever.
Homer: (in his mind) Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman. (out loud, laughing hard) Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good!

Stop! Or My Dog Will Shoot:

Bart: Hey, don't have the "show" if you can't handle the "tell". (classroom laughs)
Krabappel: Well, I'm going to SHOW you to the principal and TELL him all about it. (laughs; but nobody in the classroom even smirks) Mine was as funny as HIS!
Nelson: No one's arguin' with ya, lady. Now can we just learn something?

^ I never thought Nelson would actually want to learn.

The Parent Rap:

Homer: These pants cost six hundred dollars!
Moe: Really?
Homer: Yeah, they're Italian...
Moe: All right... (pulls out shotgun) Hand 'em over!
Homer: Moe... what the?!
Moe: Yeah, I rob now.

Lisa the Simpson:

Jasper: By gum, it worked! I've awakened in the future. (looks at a package) "Moon pie"? What a time to be alive.

^ LOL, they had those when Jasper was a young man.

In Marge We Trust:

Ned: (on the phone with Lovejoy) I... I think I swallowed a toothpick!

Whacking Day:

Barry White: Ladies and gentlemen, my unlimited love to y'all. It's truly an honor to be here at this... hey, what is this all about anyway? (someone whispers to him) Oh God no. You people make me SICK! (audience cheers) Were they even listening to me?
Quiraby: I, uh, don't think so.

Great "Simpsons" Quotes

The ending of Blood Feud is great:

Homer: (looking at the Xtapolapocetl head that Burns gave them) What does it do?
Marge: Nothing.
Homer: No really, what does it do?
Marge: Whatever it does, it's DOING it now.

(shortly after, the family's sitting in front of it)

Homer: Save a guy's life, and what do you get? Nothing! Worse than nothing! Just a big scary rock.
Bart: Hey, man, don't bad-mouth the head.
Marge: Homer, it's the thought that counts. The moral of the story is a good deed is its own reward.
Bart: Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool.
Marge: Then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.
Homer: Wait a minute. If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't have gotten anything.
Marge: Well... Then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.
Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
Homer: Amen to that!

Not only is it self-referential, but I find it amusing that Marge keeps trying to find a moral to the story. I also love Bart's defense of the Xtapolapocetl head.