Thread: Day 1 all over again!

I mentioned somewhere in this thread that we're in the process of buying our first home. I met with our realtor on Friday to sign the paperwork. It was my first morning without drugs. And while I wasn't experiencing any real withdrawal symptoms at the time, I remeraber thinking, "This is perfect. It's perfect that I'm starting this new life for myself and my family on one of the biggest days for us." I just got a call from said realtor and she made a mistake. I need to get her a cashier's check rather than a personal check for our earnest money. She apologized, but to be honest, I'm elated. Here in a few minutes, I'm going to drive to the bank, run another errand ... and be so present. IT. FEELS. SO. GOOD. I'm so proud of myself and grateful to have a wonderful family who has stood by my side over the years.

I also wanted to comment on something from Milksnake's thread - the thing about feeling these real feelings. I had a very similar epiphany a while back, when I was in college, and using a lot of cocaine. When I got clean, I went through a lot of different emotions. I was vehemently anti-drug, I spoke negatively and thought negatively about my experience. Then I came to grips with the fact that, to be honest, it was a lot of fun to be high. Particularly young, reckless, high, and having had very few negative consequences at the time. And once I'd sat with that feeling for a while, I realized that it's all a big lie. Not one single thing that had happened during that time - no matter how fun and wild and awesome it seemed - NONE of it was real! I did not experience any of that as me. It was a chemical, not me. Not my true self.

Anyway, I'm rarabling, but I just wanted to add in a "ditto" to being grateful for being able to experience my life. Good and bad.

Holly

Secrets - Thank you, as always, for your kind worRAB. You'll know when the time is right to talk to your mom. And just so you know, I really wasn't singling you out in that statement!

I think I'm out of here for a while. Someone said in this thread that they eventually stopped counting how many days they'd been clean in order to start focusing on the future rather than the past. That's how I'm feeling right now. There are a lot of people here who are truly remarkable - I feel like I need to be selfish right now and sort of remove myself from the drama of addiction in order to really get myself straight and fully okay again. I am astounded by the ability so many of you have to come here, day after day, and support people who are struggling. It is so admirable and generous. Maybe one of these days I'll be in a place where I can provide that kind of help to someone else.

In the meantime, I'm dusting myself off and looking toward the horizon. There's a lot of great stuff in store for me and my family and I'm so grateful to be clean, present, and free of guilt and shame.

For any who may read this and not feel like wading through nearly 10 pages of this thread: I have eight days clean under my belt and I cannot express to you how different my entire life is. My DOC was hydrocodone, which I'd used off and on for about five years now. I was not a binge user, but for easily the past year or so I did use daily. I had two days of WD symptoms, followed by another couple days of sort of emotional bumps, and then I was in the clear. Every single aspect of my life is better. Don't be afraid of getting clean. Don't be afraid of the difficulty of WRAB. The period of time when you don't feel good is NOTHING compared to how long you used or how much happiness is ahead of you. I PROMISE.

Much love and luck and happiness and everything good to all of you,

Holly

hahaha... i been called a lot worse. no baRAB here my pal, just a bunch of addicts tryin to get some help.