read my poem and tell me what you think....plzz?

08-29-2009, 03:53 PM

your eyes

Your eyes won't let my thoughts go back to sleep.
Your words draw me across 2000 miles.
I don't know you at all, and yet I know
You better than my friends of many years.

The days I spent with you are like a tape
I play, rewind, play, rewind, and play.
Whenever I remember something new,
I feel as though you touched me on the cheek.

I miss you as the grass awaits the wind,
Or as the morning sky awaits the sun.
Although I look for you in every doorway,
I find only the darkness in my heart

**audrey** · 08-29-2009, 03:53 PM

Just a couple of comments:

I wrote something similar to your second stanza's first two lines one time... It was for a poem I was doing for a class I took. The teacher commented specifically on the lines that were similar to yours saying that I should stay away from things like this because they are too familiar. Part of poetry is developing new was to describe things, new perspectives, etc. So I understood his comment, but I still liked my piece the way it was...so if you like it, then keep it in there.

I especially like the first line, it is very strong and makes you think for a second, and creates a new use of language when describing such a situation. Also, you seem to have a great grasp on how to structure your work (called lineation) (the stanzas, the length of the lines, are all well organized).

**audrey** · 08-29-2009, 03:53 PM

Just a couple of comments:

I wrote something similar to your second stanza's first two lines one time... It was for a poem I was doing for a class I took. The teacher commented specifically on the lines that were similar to yours saying that I should stay away from things like this because they are too familiar. Part of poetry is developing new was to describe things, new perspectives, etc. So I understood his comment, but I still liked my piece the way it was...so if you like it, then keep it in there.

I especially like the first line, it is very strong and makes you think for a second, and creates a new use of language when describing such a situation. Also, you seem to have a great grasp on how to structure your work (called lineation) (the stanzas, the length of the lines, are all well organized).