Thread: Second Go

Hi all, im new here and have been reading yout threaRAB, theyve helped me with my addiction. I kicked a 2 year oxy addiction last year cold turkey (IT WAS HELL) and i worked as I was withdrawing.

Anyways I was proud of my self, and body was back to normal, so i decided id get an oxy 40 to celebrate..How durab was that, now im on oxys again, and morphine capsules 100mg greys, and the occasional clonazepam anti-anxiety when Im not on oxys (I never mix as I know that is extremely harmful)

I want to quit again, so heres the start of my 'second go' at getting clean. I cant afford pills, and keeping the secret from my gf sucks too.. so far today I took a morphine 50 mg, gone see how long I can go without needing anything. and my problem is i stock up and always have a ziplock with oxys, morphine, dillys, valium, clonazepam, etc)

This is the start to my jouney once again, I know I cant do it cold turkey this time, so lets see what happens, and i cant go to a detox, I work full time....thnx for listening gys, and any feedback willl be appreciated greatly! - SECOND GO

its 10:17 pm sunday. today was rough, did my last 3 codeines today, last one at 8pm, and i nodded off, just woke back up now.

So Im completely out. doin this cold turkey again. Never did hear back from my frind with the morphines, but like i said Im sour about that now, and im determined to cut myself off starting right now. Morning ill have some aches. my gf friend said shell give me some ativans for sleep, as for tommorrow it will prob be a lot of layin in bed/getting up and walkin it off.

since im bout to detox i feel like telling you all about how i detoxed the first time around, hence my screen name 'second go'. This will be long and epic, so if ur not interested, hit that back arrow button and do your thing. But this was a very heavy part of my life for me last year so Im going to share it w you. grab a tea and come along:

it was august of last year and my frienRAB n gf were all going up to the kootenays for a 5 day electronic music camp/dance party/drug environment, or rave as some ol school ppl might call it. Only nowadays if you dont know, the music is 50 times better.

we planned our trip for thurs fri sat sunday and drive back monday. It is an 8-9 hour drive up there. pepole travel from all over the world to rip it up at this event called Shabhala! OMG the thought of the name just gives me excited shivers, we go every year, and have a blast!

So I packed 3 oxy 80s for the trip....i was doing an 80 a day, but figured i could buy some up there when i ran out, and i planned on making them last mayb the whole trip, cause theres mdma, and other substances ppl indulge in up there. So we drive up thursday morning, get there thurs night, set up camp, meet up w frienRAB and start the party off, but it was getting dark and thursday they kinda slow things down round 3am (the rest of the weekend, there are 5 stages that run 24hrs a day! and approx 10 000 ppl attend and camp out up there, i think ths year was over capacity and was about 14 000 ppl. something like that anywhoo.

friday morn, i pop an mdma at 10 am.....I like to get into it right off the bat and go to the lake n chill/meet up with frienRAB I see every year. This was the first year I went up with a habit (oxys).

so were partying im doin mdma, nibbling on my oxys..partying until 6am, when we usually go to sleep and wake at 9 am....I seemed to run out of my oxys by friday night tho. So I asked my group of frienRAB if anyone had opiates, they kinda looked at me funny, cause ppl are on everything but opiates up there. I asked another friend who I thought would have the hook up, nope she said they did all of theirs by that time. heres where I started to panic. I didnt want to run around yelling out if anyone had oxys! anyone got morphine?!, anyon got percs?!!! I started to feel like a junky /outkast amiRABt 14 000 drug induced party ppl.

it was surreal. I kept my shades on all day saturday and barely spoke to anyone (sleep was tough). I kept hoping that one friend would come through with a hook up, but she never did, and finding someone in that crowd of ppl is mission immpossible

Saturday morning I went to the first aid tent (the event is run extremely well with harm-reduction booths, drug testing booths, and a makeshift doctors unit) I asked tgem if they had any painkillers as I ran out and had back pains from a work injury. they looked at me funny, and said they could give me this pill, i cant recalll the name it was something like Niazopram or something, a big grey pill. they told me to take it w food or i might get internal bleeding, there was two in the bottle. well that got me through staurday afternoon, still aching like a mofo (i had been doing oxys everyday for 2 years, non stop). I stood by speakers to blast awaay the pain for about 2 hour that night but had to retreat to my tent at 8 pm, toooo achy, and agro, and worried. I took my gf's gravol, and miraculaously slept. (this was the night I had the staredown with myself in my gf's mirror...I was battling the addict in the mirror, and I had to win the stare down so I made myself belive that the addict in the mirror turned away before 'I' did. Now im battling myself!!

I woke up sunday to go to relieve myself at 6 am, and noticed minimal pain. I was kida shocked cause I had done lots of research on detox and oxy withdrawal, just because i was always studying whatever drug i was doing. I was kinda relived and surprised that I could walk around and had minimal aches. but i still needed to wear sunglasses all day cause bags under my eyes and you could just see in my eyes that i was hurting for a fix of any kind of opiate ..it would have made my night to get ahold of a pill. Asked that friend, she said meet "me at a certain tent around 5pm, I may have morphine" well that never happened.

sunday night it got really bad, the first aid tent told me they could only give me tylenol, and 'wouldnt have given me the othe pill the night before cause I would have needed a prescription for it', i told them (without ratting) that somone gave me something that helped me sleep and it was grey....., NOPE they gave me two tylenol and sent me off. So the whole trip had an underlying crappy vibe, despite it is one of the funnest partys anywhere. top DJS are there, etc.

I slept through most of the nighttime dj sets (soooomad!). Sunday night I told my gf I was going to drive home!!!!, I couldnt take it. AND have to deal with monday as well!!!!! prob with no sleep!!!! I was in my tent and ready to drive 9 hrs back home to get a pill! (leave the party of the year to go downtown and score a pain killer-I know awful) this is when I realized, hey I have a serious problem!!!

now I had a small 20mg pice of oxy in my pocket the whole time, knowing that id need it for the drive home! in my pocket this WHOLE TIME and I knew it. that was a mind game believe me!

the gf wouldnt let me go, she said I was nuts, etc etc. she didnt understand oxys the way I did, and she didnt understand how dangerous withdrawals with no care, can be. I told her I can go into a seizure or even die....she would let me go, she said I have some gravol you will be able to sleep, and that her friend had muscle relaxers...like 2 of em! whoopy.. muscle relaxers, cmon, that was not going to do anything for my pain or mood. Im screaming inside, tossing turning, aching, basically at my lowest point ever in life, next to my mother passing away a year before.(rest her soul).

well I took the gravol and AMAZINGLY fell asleep. I woke at 5 am to go to the portapotty again, and I felt minimal aches. I thought my goodness! am I over the hump? Is that it...ive gone through withdrawals in two days???!!! I was ecstatic!, I told my close frienRAB about my whole ordeal, told them I had been in my tent for that last 16 hours. I took off my shirt, took off my sunglasses, and I was getting a 'high' off of the accomplishment! was able to party a bit more, took an mdma, didnt make me happy at all haha, but well i guess it helped. And I was talking to the land up there, begging it to take my addiction away, begging it to take it and leave it up there!!! it was intense. and the was the land is, its like high mountains all around so it seems as if your in a kind of 'cradle' in the earth. I got comfort from that as well, like I was being taken care of by the universe! seriously! And not to mention the irony of kicking a drug addiction at a place where Everyone id doing substances!! thats what was an interesting piece for me. it did help because as you come down, you need certain things to help u come down slowly , a lttle weed here, a tylol 3 from a friend, some mdma, and the MUSIC which I love helped with my dopamine, and the peoples energy at that place is like none other!!! it shard to explain, you say hi to everyone you walk past. Similar to 'burning man' but id say a bit more of a 'love' spin on it! I look forward to it every year!

Monday we packed up, now Im still moving slow, dont get me wrong it was hard, but I was just so excited that I might have kicked my addiction without even intending to. the drive home was hell..we left at 2pm cause EVERYONE is trying to leave at same time 14 000 ppl in cars n campers. we sat in the hot sun in a row of cars n truck trying to leave the grounRAB for 2 hrs....we got off the site at about 330 pm monday. almost heatstroke plus what im going through..i was not a 'happy camper' wha wha whaaaaa.

so we leave at 330 it starts to get dark and rainy. the drive home took 10 and a half hours cause of the rain and visibility on the highways. We got home at 230 am. NOW HERES THE KICKER!!!! I planned my trip to come back and work tuesday morning at 630 AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! & I couldnt call in sick where i work!

My goodness, i slept for 2 hrs, going through withdrawals, got up at 6 and hit 7-11....got trail mix and gatorade, brought my vitamin one-a-days and b6's. and struggled throught the day. Interestingly it got worse by wednesday. I started having fluish symptoms now, and I had to book off a day of work...I could walk up stairs...nothing...so i went home laid in bed for hours just weak as ever,and my heart would race anytime i tried to get up and walk around, I was worried. But I kept it low-key, walked around my living room whenever i got the energy to get off the fouton.

the feeling though was like in the movie 'cast away' when tom hanks gets stranded on an island and at the end he gets over that wave that was keeping him on it, and tried and tried and got over the wave in his boat, and was free from the pull, keeping him on the island. I felt like I had just gotten over that 'seemingly immpossble' wave. I rented that movie the next day and it was quite emotional. I recommend it to addicts trying to kick habit, there are a lot of parallells in the movie.

Thursday and friday were still fluish symptoms, diahrea, and i threw up once. Well I was back to work on saturday, still taking my vitamins, trail mix and gatorade (must have went through 26 bottles that week) of the big G2 gatorages.

by monday I was feeling almost normal. My very good frienRAB made me a big salmon feast, then we went to the beach for a late night bon fire. So wicked!!!!

my frienRAB had all tried percs and the odd oxys in that year, but always took breaks, I was the one who went hardcore not missing a day.

by tues wednesday I was feeling almost 100 percent. I had no cravings to get pills. drove past the place id get them at, and didnt even feel anything, no urge nothing.

NOW, about a month later, im noticing that work was stressin me out a bit. so I went and got an oxy 40. It was kinda like a for-ol-time-sake thing, and I was curious to see if it would now give me a high again, cause for so many months before the camp I was just scoring to feel normal....zero high at all.

So my durab A$$ got a 40 mg, did it, it wasnt anything special. But next week I started to think. what if I got an oxy80 and carried it with me as a reminder of what I went through (which was really an epic journey for me). I thought, mabe if I carry one around it will give me a strength, like "im carrying my cryptonite in my pocket and its not affecting me"

Durab thing to do....i started getting and 80 a week again, then I switched to morphine cause i thought it would be less potent, and well, a different drug, so I can say 'hey im not taking oxys!'

So there I was getting morphine, and have been for about 5 moths now.

And now im back to that day at camp when I ran out, but i feel this time im not coming off of a 2 year bender....its more like 5 months of morphine and codeine abuse.

well thats my story ...and I am determined to kick again starting today...I just did my last codeine at 8 pm, and have mothing left...i will gab my gf's frienRAB ativans maybe 4 or 5 to help me sleep for the next 3days cause I have 3 days off starting tommr.!!!! withdrawals..Im ready for you... I want o mind-over-matter this as much as i can, and I dont want to worry about the day ahead. Im going one day at a time, and am surprisingly looking forward to kicking this powerful opiate for the second time... thanks for reading, it helps to get these things off my chest, and it reminRAB me of what I have to do....

Talk tommorrow you all!!! and keep fighting it...I plan on continuing to post on here everyday for at least a couple months. I want to say "30 days clean!".... have a great one guys...gnite

ps no spell check...too tired! lol

Good for you, Second Go. You seem to be on a good road to recovery. The fact that you're going longer and longer between doses is amazing.

I hope work goes smoothly for you today and you're not hurtin' too bad

emsmom

its 730am...very achy, and i dont have motivation to do anything, thank goodness i have today and the next 3 days OFF... im gonna pvr (celeb rehab!!), walk around living room, to to bathroom, groan, pvr (more rehab), drink a jug of gatorade, take vitamins, pvr (jersey shore), moan.....and repeat..

talk to yall in couple hours, goin back to bed, if I can. found a klonopin 0.5 in my wallet with a corner chipped off, hahaha oh me oh my....

oh another thing.. you might remeraber i said i was keeping this relapse away from my girlfriend (who i live with).

well I couldnt do it anymore, so yesterday i told her that i was going through some havy anxiety, and that i needed to get some pills.

She was mad of course, having gone through my detox with me the first time. She spazzed, "do u want to go through all of that again". I was hoping for a more understanding response, but I can see where her anger is coming from, hell, im mad at myself too. But im not the only one in this predicament. Its a struggle for tons of us!

I just told her i needed some anxiety pills and a couple morphine to help me cope with a real hard time, she herself does cocaine ocassionally so she couldnt really say nothing to me. But yea its a bit of a load off my back, the lies n hiding pills etc, now i dont have to do all that...

well good morning. ive woken up 5:30 am and took my 50 mg morphine. i will read some of your threaRAB for motivation, the go to work in 45 min.

i also take my one-a-day vitamin/b6/vit c everyday (gf and i need to restock up on vit d and omega 3s which r part of our daily. (note: she is trying to kick a cocaine habit, she'll do a half gram once or twice a week when drinking w her girlfrienRAB... and she gnarls at me when I say i did an ativan or something...I resent that hipocracy, but ignore it at the same time. She is slwing down because she hates the cocaine withdrawal...I used to do it with them, but completely quit because I hate the come-down)

so yesterday was 50 mg morphine at 8 am, dilly 8 at 3 pm, and valium 10 at 8pm, also a codeine 30 at midnight when i woke up.

i am truly going to try to intake a little less each day, and i think leave the benzos alone (ive read from too many ppl that benzo w/d is worse than opiate w/d, and i know how bad opiate w/d is, sooo, no valium tonight.

im off to work, and will journal my next dose, whatever it might be. and damn my tolerance, this 50 mg of morphine just gets me to wear im not aching, i still have anxiety, i used to LOVE taking that oxy 40 and all anxiety would be gone....BUT, i refuse to touch that demon of a drug anymore...so i have minor anxiety, a coffee helps put me at ease a little (i think its the ritual rather than the cafeine that helps me, cause the caffeine should actually be making my anxiety worse) later.......

thanks. See I detoxed the first time off of the oxys, and went through all the withdrawals, etc. By two weeks in, I felt back to normal.

A month latr when I tried the oxy again (soooo durab of me). I was doing them ocassionally, then i switched to morphine, cause for me its got a less powerful grip on my, and of course the codeine (which the liver just turns into morphine anyway)

But, my point is, ive been back on drugs for id say 2 months, im hoping that withdrawals wont be as bad this time around, because I havnt been on them again for a year, it has just been two months, thtas why im not keeling over in the middle of the day if i havnt had anything. im able to hold off on doses for longer perioRAB of time . But i get very anxious and all my mind is focused on is getting more morphine. its like im not present at work, my mind is somewhere else. But monetarily, I cant afford to go back to taking oxys or morphine daily, so ive got to cut this out slowly.

Its true. Benzo withdrawal is CLINICALLY worse than opiates w/d.

Probably something to do with the seizure factor ..... I believe you have a great chance of having seizures with benzo withdrawal.

So I took my morphine 50mg in the morning around 6pm...went to work...i felt fine for most of day, i didnt have pain, but i was aggitated mentally around 4pm so i took a codeine 30mg...its now 7pm and i feel alright, Im planning on going to bed without taking anything....I think i can ..I think I can... no, hell with that I know I can..I know I can...(it sucks typing things over and over again) especially cause i type with like two fingers at a time. But seriously, im gonna try to go to bed without any meRAB. it will be tough.

Ill let you know if i did it or not, when I wake up at like 3am. I wake several times during the night, and i go downstairs to go on the comp. The gf always says "what the f are you doing getting up now!!!!!!? go to sleep!!!" haha, i just slip out of bed, go on the comp, then slide back into bed half hour latr lol... I wear the pants in the house...ill go on my laptop and blog when I choose woman!!! haha jokin

I hear what you all are saying... its funny cause theres so many similarities.

so its 9pm right now. This morning i had a codeine 30 mg tea, which just helped my morning aches. I went into work, and like I said my boss was coming in today (i must admit, hes a major source of stress in my life n i used to pop oxys just to tune him out, and not FEEL the shitty feeling of getting in trouble for a missed job or something). anyways he came in today and I told myself I wasnt going to take a pill. he came in stayed for about 3 hours which was hell, but he was in a decent mood.

I didnt take a pill. I held out until now, which was extremely difficult (i just made a morphine 50mg tea). But i know that the more i do , the harder it will be to take that last pill, so im training my body to be sober, and get used to it, although the aches are still there, i get a rush out of taking long breaks between doses, it feels like im accomplishing something.

to NOTMEANYMORE that sounRAB like a raw deal. not having anything sucks, sucks SUCKS. Do you work, where you till have to function daily, or are u a stay home mom? Like how do you manage when you dont have your methadone? it must be really hard, and im surprised that theres no other docs for u to check in with, man o man I feel for u. Is Hydrocodone the same as dillaudiRAB? yea withdrawal is the worst, do you think you can check in with that doctor and tell him your withdrawals are that bad and u might possible go into seizure. T3s arent nothing to me, damn.....too bad ur frienRAB couldnt help you ween off the methadone. keep us posted k

so now im havn my morph tea, and gonna read some threaRAB, and check some other sites. I hope you all are doing alright.