Great "Simpsons" Quotes

[Go Yankees!!!!!]

Summer of 4 Ft. 2

Miss Hoover: And so, as Abraham Lincoln sat in Ford's theatre that night, John Wilkes Booth entered, drew his gun, and... (bell rings) Well, that's it. Have a nice summer, everyone. (almost everyone leaves)
Chuck: But what happened in Ford's theatre?
Ralph: Was President Lincoln OK?
Hoover: He was fine. (beat) Go home, Ralph.

^ If, by "fine", you mean "shot in the head". I also love how Hoover apparently didn't cover the Civil War at all in the rest of the school year, one of the most important events in U.S. history. Using roughly her own words from "Lisa's Substitute", "Oh what did she teach them?!"

Another similar quote I enjoy:

Kamp Krusty

(kids are running out of the school)
Teacher: Wait a minute! You didn't find out how World War II ended. (kids stop; pause) WE WON!
Kids: YAY!!!! USA! USA! (begin rioting)

^ Gotta love simplifying a whole war to "we won".

[Tay B]

It's the cutback to Bart's horrified expression that really sells that joke.

[Amerikan Pirat]

Now for some legendary Kent Brockman quotes.

Kent Brockman: Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of 'Smartline'. Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say "No. Of course not. What kind of stupid question is that?" But one woman says 'yes'...Marge Simpson.

^I love when he does that.


Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over, 'conquered' if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthmen or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

^I don't think there's a single person who doesn't lose it over this.


Kent Brockman: Professor, would you say it's time for our viewers to panic?
Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.

And later-

Kent Brockman: Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.

^I think that's probably the most insane thing ever uttered on this entire show.


Most of those came courtesy of David Mirkin. The man definitely knew how to skewer the media. It's kinda sad that this hasn't dated, though.

[sandlandfan]

"Urge to kill, fading...fading...fading...RISING!!!...fading...gone."

[t h u g]

(At the Michael Crichton store)
Moleman: Do you have Robert Ludlum?
Clerk: Get out.

[myriadgreen]

Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily

Reverend Lovejoy: Ned, have you thought about one of the other religions? They're all pretty much the same.

I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Signs

Dr. Hibbert: Look, it's Marge, with DWIGHT! I said there was a spark between them, but you said I was crazy.
Krusty: I saw it, I just didn't feel like talking to you.

A Tale of Two Springfields

Krusty: I opened for The Who at Woodstock. I came out in a Beatle wig with a ukulele. Hendrix said he almost plotzed. His exact words.
Mel: (sarcastically) Oh, I never tire of that story.

^ Mel's delivery here is what makes the exchange work.

It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge

Psychiatrist 1: Excuse me, what are you doing?
Marge: Oh, I was just praying to God that you'll find me sane.
Psychiatrist 1: I see. And this "God", is he in this room right now?
Marge: Oh, yes. He's kind of everywhere.
Psychiatrist 2: Marge Simpson, you give us no choice but to declare you utterly-
Marge: I'm not insane!
Psychiatrist 2: You didn't let me finish. ...Insane!

Homer Bad Man

Homer: I need help. Oh, God, help me. Help me, God! (phone rings; Homer tentatively answers it) ...Y'ello?
Man: Hello, Homer. This is God.....frey Jones, from the TV magazine show "Rock Bottom".

^ Just one of many, many great "screw you" jokes in the show's history.

Tennis the Menace

Lisa: You're replacing me?
Homer: Now, Lisa, "dumping" is such a harsh word. Let's just say I'm replacing you.

^ Uh, "replacing" is what she said.

Secrets of a Successful Marriage

Homer: Everyone can teach a class but me. I'm an idiot! What am I going to tell my wife and kids?
Admin: Oh, you're married?
Homer: (suggestively) That depends... is there another way to get this job?

^ LOL. I love how Homer's mind jumps right to "sleeping with the man to get hired".

Also:

Lisa: I think it's great you're a teacher, Dad. So, will be you lecturing from a standardized text or using the more socratic method of interactive class participation?
Homer: ...Yes, Lisa. Daddy's a teacher.

^ You sure you're qualified?

Homer's Triple Bypass

Moe: Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson. (long beat)
Barney: How long has it been?
Moe: Six seconds.
Barney: Do we have to start over?
Moe: Hell no.

How I Spent My Strummer Vacation

Marge: I had to tell Mr. Burns you had violent diarrhea.
Homer: Oh... couldn't you have come up with a less embarrassing lie?
Marge: But you DID have violent diarrhea! Nobody open the hall closet until I say it's OK.

E-I-E-I-D'oh

Homer: Oh, you don't wanna get Zorro mad!
Marge: You're pouring hot butter on my LEG-!
Homer: Ssssh.

Mobile Homer

Homer: While you lounge around here doing laundry and putting up drywall, I'm at work busting my hump!
Marge: Oh PLEASE! From what I hear, you waltz in there at 10:30, take a nap on the toilet, and sit around Googling your own name until lunch!
Homer: (gasps) Who told you that?
Marge: You shouted it while we were making love!

^ Just picturing Homer shouting that while having sex with Marge is funny.

[H4X0R]

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing. -Homer ("The Otto Show')

Fine! I'll sleep with someone who DOES appreciate me. -Homer ("Three Gays Of The Condo"

You people are pigs! -Krusty ("Lisa's First Word")

I don't have to take suggestions from you, you barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing, know-it-all! -Homer ("Lisa The Vegetarian")

Let's destroy ever child...friendly thing in town! -Lindsey Negale ("Marge vs. SSCCTG")

If you survive, please come again! -Apu ("Boy Scoutz N The Hood")

And all those opposed to horse-whipping Homer Simpson?
...Me. -Mayor Quimby and Homer Simpson

Look a bear! -Homer ("Children Of A Lesser Clod")