Great "Simpsons" Quotes

[Vicky Z]

Not to be an anal grammar hound, but it should be "Simpsons quotes", not "Simpson's Quotes".

Anyways...

"Kids, you both tried your best tonight, and you failed miserably! The lesson is: Never try."

[MountaineerMan7]

Milhouse: We gotta spread this stuff around. Let's put it on the Internet!
Bart: No! We have to reach people whose opinions actually matter!

Hey, wait a minute.....

[Absolute Savage]

Kill The Alligator And Run

Plant Psychiatrist: You hate your father.
Homer: Sometimes, but the person I really hate is your father!

Homer: Your Honor, I'd like to defend myself. Drunken hicks of the jury...
(The jury gasps and drinks from liquor bottles)

Two Dozen And One Greyhounds

Lisa: But they're our puppies! You stole them from us!
Mr. Burns: Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.
(Lisa starts dialing 911)
Mr. Burns: Gimmie that!

Brother From The Same Planet

Ned: Hey Homie, I can see your doodle.
Homer: Shut up, Flanders.

Selma's Choice

Patty: I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone.
Selma: Her legend will live forever.
Homer's Brain: Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman.
Homer: Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good!

Marge vs. The Monorail

(Sung to the tune of "(Meet) The Flintstones")
Homer: Simpson, Homer Simpson.
He's the greatest guy in his-tor-ey
From the Town of Springfield,
He's about to hit a chestnut tree...
AUGHHH!!!

[dollarman]

Wiggum: Time to put on that ol wiggum charm *Walking up to Mrs. Lovejoy*
Mrs. Lovejoy: PERVERT!

Marge:Edna
Edna: Marge
Marge:Helen
Helen: Marge
*Walks up to Agnes*
Marge: Uh....hm
Agnes: My name is Agnes it means lamb, lamb of god
Marge: I'm sorry Agnes!
Agnes: Marge

Marge: Discoveries by Homer
Homer: Shut-up

Homer: *Wakes up* That's the guy that's the guy from my dream you won't be smiling for long

Bart & Milhouse: Sisters are doin it for themselves (Bart falls off bed)
Homer: AHHHH! What are you doing in here and I want the non-gay answer
Milhouse: Were just really drunk
Bart: ooooh

Lisa: Dad wait it's poison
Homer:....*shrugs and starts to eat it*
Lisa: Uh It's diet!
Homer: Nooo!

Homer: She has HRH on her Briefcase that can only mean her real name is Henerietta R, Hippo

Marge: Yarn her socks....I Say Darn her

Lisa: Mom The goose is still on the loose
Marge: Nnnnh!

Homer: Please lord guide this cinderblock

Marge: Shut-up Becky There I finally said it.

Homer: Okay, once more. Where are we going?
Edna: To Capital City.
Homer: And why are you and the old lady in the car?
Agnes: We're gonna talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back.
Homer: And why is Marge here?
Marge: I came up with the idea.
Homer: And why am I here?
Marge: Because the streets of Capital City are no place for three unescorted ladies.
Homer: Why are the kids here?
Marge: Because we couldn't find Grandpa to sit for them.
Homer: And why is Grandpa here?
Abe: Because Jasper didn't want to come by himself! (Jasper looks at Abe)
Homer: Fair enough.

Agnes:Get in the car
Skinner: Yes mother
Agnes: And that goes for the rest of you get in the car!
All: Yes Mrs. Skinner

Reverend Lovejoy: Mmm, yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper...littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse.
Agnes: (yells angrily) He unholied the holy water!
Bart: That's him, all right. I'll be happy to take him off your hands.
Reverend: Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us!
Bart (gasps in terror): You didn't crucify him?
Reverend (hearty laugh): No, he's safely with one of our parishioners. If you'll come with me, I'll be happy to give you his address.
Agnes: And then buy something or get out! (Rev. Lovejoy gives her an angry look.) Angel!

[askinggirrl]

Chief Wiggum.

[Ozan O]

Homer's drunken thoughts on his family....

"See the thing to remember 'bout my family izzat there's FIVE of us....Marge,Bart,....Girl Bart,....The one who doesn't talk,and the fat guy....How I LOATHE him!!!!"

(I love how Homer can only remember Marge and Bart by name,calls Lisa "Girl Bart",and how he apparently subconciously hates himself)
*******
Homer finds an alien and wants to prove it by videotaping it

Bart: What if we don't find it?

Homer: We'll fake it and sell it to the Fox Network

Bart: Yeah,they'll buy ANYTHING!!!

Homer(suddenly serious) : Now,son,they do alot of quality programming too....

(they look at each other,then both burst out laughing)

Homer: I kill me!!!

(gotta love them taking a shot at their own network )

[Dragon Rider]

"To be loved, you have to be nice to people, every day. But to be hated, you don't have to do squat!"

[Miss Brooks]

From Cape Feare:

"Oh no! Dad's been drugged!"
"No he hasn't."

From Treehouse of Horror IV:

"Burns: Welcome, come in. Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead-
Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of that button.
Burns: Well, son of a bit-" (door opens)

^ The cutting off of his swear is timed so well.

From King of the Hill:

"Marge: Anyway, it's time for the church picnic.
Homer: What? They had a picnic last week.
Marge: No, they didn't! You just brought a bucket of chicken to church!
Homer: If God didn't want us to eat in church, he'd have made gluttony a sin.

^ Besides the obvious joke that gluttony IS a sin in Christianity, the mental image of Homer eating a bucket of chicken in a church pew is hilarious.

From Mayored to the Mob:

"Agent: People! This man has actually BEEN in outer space!
Edna Krabappel: Ha! Nobody cares.
Neil Armstrong: This is one small step towards firing your ass!"

From The PTA Disbands:

"Lisa, get in here. (Lisa excitedly comes in) In this house, we obey the LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS!"

From The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson:

Pleasant female voice: Thank you for calling the parking violations bureau. To plea 'not guilty', press 1 now. (Homer presses 1) Thank you. Your plea has been...
Gruff male voice: ...Rejected.
Pleasant female voice: You will be assessed the full fine plus a small...
Gruff male voice: ...Large lateness fee.
Pleasant female voice: Please wait by your vehicle between 9 AM and 5 PM for parking officer Steve...
Gruff male voice: ...Grabowski.

^ Love how every parking officer in NYC is apparently named Steve something.

From Lisa's Sax:

"Teacher: "And the ugly duckling was amazed to realize it had grown into a beautiful swan." So you see children, there is hope for anyone.
Bart: Even me?
Teacher: No."

^ Again, it's all about timing.

From Grade School Confidential:

"Wiggum: These aren't bombs. They're hot dogs. ARMOUR hot dogs!
Chalmers: What kind of MAN wears Armour hot dogs?!"

From Treehouse of Horror V:

"Burns: Yes, by cutting off cable TV and the beer supply, I can ensure an honest winter's work out of those lowlifes.
Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?
Burns: Hmm... perhaps. Tell you what: we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke."

^ So nonchalant about slaughterings, I love it.

From Treehouse of Horror II:

After Smithers requests that Burns put Homer's brain back in his body...

"Oh COME on! It's 11:45!"

^ The delivery of that cracks me up. And 11:45 isn't very late at all. Though I guess it is to an old man like Burns...

From I'm Goin' to Praiseland:

"Hello, Gas Company? How poisonous is your gas? (listens) Wow. But, uh, but I'm talking about, you know, outdoors with plenty of ventilation, that... (listens) How could that be worse? (listens) Okay, permanent brain damage, or just temporary? (listens) I see."

From Smoke on the Daughter:

"Homer: (regarding a room in the basement) Have you ever wonder what I do in there?
Bart: Gay out?"

From Missionary: Impossible:

"If you watch even one second of PBS and don't contribute, you're a thief. A common thief!"
"OK, Betty, settle down."
"Sorry, but these thieves just make me so damn mad. You know who you are, THIEVES!"

And speaking of Betty White...

From Homerazzi:

"Homer: Look at those celebrities. I've met them all, and yet they don't even acknowledge my existence.
Betty White: (approaches) Hello Homer, have you lost weight?
Homer: Oh, like you care, Betty White.
Betty White: Tell me, how's Maggie?
Homer: Her name is "Marge!"
Betty White: I was talking about your baby.
Homer: Oh, uh, she's looking very SNAPPY! (takes picture)
Betty White: Thanks for taking my picture. If you want me to sign it, here's a stamped self-addressed envelope, and give Santa's Little Helper a big hug for me. (walks away)
Homer: Yeah, that's right! Just walk away..."

From Itchy & Scrachy: The Movie:

"A master craftsman can make three mailboxes an hour."

^ Exciting television.

[Jahtego]

For some reason this made me laugh harder than anything else in this thread.

Bart: "Look at the bus! I was right I tell ya, I was right!"
Skinner: "Right or wrong, you're behavior was still disruptive. Perhaps spending the remainder of your life in a mad house will teach you a lesson.
Nelson: "Ha Ha!"

The "remainder of your life" always gets me. He's getting put away for saving their lives noisily.

[shadrack kakui]

:^: I know Ingrates



So hilarious I just love how Betty is so charming