Great "Simpsons" Quotes

[instantitnet]

Skinner: "Remember Otto, we're entrusting you with the school's greatest natural resource; the school bus."

[Ive Got My Eye On You!]

Radioactive Man:

Assistant: What is it now, Quimby?
Quimby: Nothing, nothing. Only the, er, city has just passed another tax on puffy directing pants.
Director: But I don't wear puffy pants!
Quimby: ...I meant a tax on not wearing puffy pants.
Assistant: Oy.
Quimby: I'm sorry.

^ No you're not.

[Jonjon]

Behind The Laughter

Homer: I want to set the record straight. I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Homer: Then came the rocks -- jagged rocks, hitting me with their jags.

Lisa: To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.
(Camera switches to Homer)
Homer: That's impossible! How would I have gotten all four necessary drops into her cereal?
(Long pause)
Homer: What?

Marge: Okay, the material was a little corny, but Homer and I had real chemistry onscreen.
Homer: Every day I thought about firing Marge?you know, just to shake things up.

Marge: I learned something; when people reach for their diaphragms, they don't want to see my picture.

Homer: It was the best Thanksgiving ever. I mean, emotionally, it was terrible, but the turkey was so moist!

[dragon chica]

Some more great quotes....

On going to church...

Marge: Homer,the Lord only asks for one hour a week...

Homer: In that case,He should've made the week an hour longer...Lousy God!!!..

(this exchange tends to go through my head whenever I have to get up early for church )

*****
Another religion quote by Homer...

"Why can't I worship the Lord in my own way?...By praying like hell on my deathbed!!!"

****
from Homer the Heretic (Homer decides to skip church)

Bart: Hey,where's Homer?

Marge: Your father's....resting...

Bart: "Resting", hung over?,"resting",got fired?...Help me out here...

(I love that Bart's well aware of Homer's faults)...

[Broter]

"It burns cause it's love!"-Rod and Tod, not sure what episode. Anyone know?

"Ow my freakin' ears!"- Rod/Tod at Moe's Family Feed Bag

"Hired Goons!"- hired goons

"We beat cancer."- Patty and Selma

"Can't talk. Coming down."- Lisa at Duff Gardens

"Mmm, fish!"- Homer

[Claire O]

I like this one from Treehouse of Horror VI:

Homer: "Don't you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?"

Marge: "Sometimes..."

It's just hilarious how she says it.

[RaiJean N]

And let's not overlook this gem, probably my favorite quote from the episode...

Martin: I spent our last ten dollars on this talking Al Gore doll!
(He pulls the string.)
Al Gore Doll: You are hearing me talk.

[Gabriela L]

I loved it when Homer made that hilarious pun about "police chewtality"! Oh, and remember that episode where everyone was saying "lega-he" and "lega-she"? Man, I just love those quotes.

Oh wait. No I don't.

Here's a classic:

Homer: Hello. My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns. What's your first name?
Homer: (pause) I don't know.

[marie-louise]

I could fill up this thread with "Homer and Apu" quotes, but this one definitely beats all. Taken from SNPP.com:

Homer: Don't be alarmed, Apu. Just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat.
Apu: Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet?
Homer: Bee? Aah! [stomps on hat, runs out]
Kent: Homer, that hat's been with the station twenty years! He had one day left till retirement.

But the camera inside the hat still works. It is pointed at Apu.

Apu: Well, time to replenish the hot dog roller. La, la -- oops [drops a hot dog] Oh, no -- it is encrusted with filth. [blows it off] Oh well, let's sell it anyway. Now this is just between me and you...smashed hat. Hee hee --
Kent: Hot diggety-dog, we've got him, Mr. Simpson. Now let's -- Mr. Simpson?
Homer: One hot dog, please.

[fancy_muskrat]

"STOP! STOOoooOOP! HE'S ALREADY DEAD!"

I think that's the best and funniest quote in the entire history of the Simpsons.

Homer beating a childhood icon to near death purely because of his own ignorance of the border between the real world and commercials. That and the reactions of the children and the guy next him ("It's just an act!") never fail to make me lose it.