Every day, I take the DC metro train to and from work. For those outsiders, the Metro system isn't known for its, let's say, "competence". There are two ways to pay for the trip- either a paper fare card that you insert into the gate or a RFID card that connects to an online account. Most people use the latter SmarTrip card for various reasons. Well, mine quit working. It wouldn't read at any of the gates.

So I had to mail it in for a replacement. It's supposed to take 3-5 business days to get a new one. It's been 7 so far. So I'm still using paper cards.

I go to get on the train today and find that it'll arrive in 2 minutes. The next one isn't even on the board yet, so it'll be at least 15. I insert my paper ticket and it says I don't have enough money left. Just $1.10 instead of the minimum $1.20 or whatever.

I run back to the ticket machines. First one- doesn't accept bills. Second one- fare card slot isn't working. Third one- says "out of service" which ironically makes it the best working one there. Fourth machine, the greatest malady of all- a flock of tourists. We're talking 30 or 40 people all trying to use the same machine.

Train pulls into the station, so I say "screw it" and tailgate someone through the entry gate. I run to the escalators but, of course, there are tourists standing on the wrong side, blocking the walkers. I curtly say "excuse me", surprised that I could curtail my rage enough to still use polite words, and barely hop on the train, whose doors still manage to smash me as I enter as if to say "fuck you again."

Now so far it's been machines and clueless people that have pissed me off. But then I encounter Power Trip Jamal, Metro Employee Extraordinaire (PTJMEE). I approach him.

Me - "Excuse me, sir (yes I did say that), the entry gates didn't take my ticket."
PTJMEE - "Didn't take it? You came in with a bad card." ::snatches my card::
Me - "No, no, it just doesn't have enough money on it."
PTJMEE - "Ah ha! How you get on the train then, hmm?!"
Me - "The machines weren't working in [starting station]."
PTJMEE - "Ain't none of the machines broken [there]. I've had people come through all day from there and non'a them be saying the machine's broken."
Me - There are a million explanations for that, dolt.
Me - "Yu huh, one's not taking bills, one's out of ser-"
PTJMEE - "What you did is called 'fare evasion'."
Me - No shit. That's why I'm here now.
Me - "I just need to put more money on the card(, so let me through the gate)."
PTJMEE - "You needed to see the station manager at [start], not do this here. Go put your money in and come back."

So I do that, enter the gate, exit the gate, and leave. But PTJMEE, fuck you and your lecture. Do I have a fanny pack and a bottle of water? No. Do I have a suitcase and a map, standing around looking lost? No. Am I wearing slacks and a tie? Yes. I'M NOT A FUCKING TOURIST. Yes, I evaded the fare...because your fucking machines don't work, as usual. And don't call me a liar when I tell you so because you know fucking well that those things are pieces of shit. You know your system thinks it does a good job when it goes a week without killing somebody. Here I am, trying to correct the situation and you're reading me the riot act from your pedestal of moral superiority.

Listen carefully. I'm smarter than you, better at my job, and take care of myself better than you do. In other words, I am superior to you. So next time when I tell you I need to put money on the card, you say "OK" and let me do my thing. I don't need to get in a pissing contest over $1.85 with you. I'm not some hood rat that's trying to get out of paying for my ride. I'm just a guy on his way to work, trying to work with your fucked up system.

So again, fuck you, your machines, Metro, and all your racist, nose picking, sleeping-on-duty, GED-sporting, power-tripping coworkers.

Next week, I'm taking the helicopter.