...my life? ok. looooooong story. i was a very curious kid. what started out as doctor with other kids at the age of 4 eventually turned into pretty much everything except all out sex (we're talkin anything that you could put your mouth or fingers on. both guys and girls) by the age of 8 - yes, i was a messed up child. but moving on. when i was almost 10 i started pretty much doing the same thing with an older family member... some people would say it was abuse, but i don't really know cause at first i enjoyed it and even though sometimes he literally had to beg me to comply (cause by then i was old enough to know it was wrong), i was never held down or forced. it stopped around 13ish (and happened randomly once more around the age of 15). never had sex though, just pretty much everything but. other than what happened when i was a kid or with said family member, i've never had a bf, and only kissed a guy once (lasted 15 seconds). thats it. but once all that stopped around 14 is when i got hooked on porn. it was on again off again and still is now (i'm 19- currently on again).

i mean i'm a girl, was i hardwired wrong? cause last i knew girls don't have porn addictions. but what bothers me most is like a constant battle in my head. half of the time i swear to myself i will never have sex and i don't understand how others can do such a disgusting and vile thing. but the other half of the time i want it so bad, so much that if there was a guy near me who was even halfways interested there would be absolutely no stopping it (luckily for me, god didn't bless me with ridiculous amounts of beauty or a hot body so i don't have the problem of guys being interested).

also i'm a christian, for as long as i can remember. so that throws a whole new spin on things too. i don't know how many times i've asked for forgiveness and i know i've been forgiven, but i can't kick the porn habit, which kinda makes me feel like askin for gods grace again is pointless when i know i'm gonna screw up again in just a few more minutes.
i have a few christian friends and older women from my old church (before i came to college) who know and i talk to about it, but i just feel like since i was exposed to sex for as long as i can remember, it doens't matter who i talk to or how much i pray, it's etched on my brain, and it will never go away.

some nights it bothers me more than others. tonight would be one of those nights. but what's wrong with me that i can't forget about all of this and what happened. God forgets about it, but i can't let it go. It's taken over my thoughts, it's taken over practically my whole life when it shouldn't. i mean its sex, the world revolves around sex. why is it such a big deal to me?
are you guys even reading this? i'm not a guy