Thread: I'm o

...suggestions? You appear so solemn
and so bare like a skeleton
tree stripped of all of its leaves
from a bitter winter breeze.

But behind your eyes,
I can see your contents
of your spirit dancing
like light, bouncing
back and forth in a
room of mirrors,
displaying a lumunious
soul interweaved
in murky brown irises.

So relase those contents,
swirling and ceasing your
solemn state, carressing
you in an supernova aura!

Become your
luminous nature of a
summer tree-
with strong branches
embellished
with emerald leaves!

I want, you want, we
want to see the clouds
of light and emerald leaves
conceal the skeleton tree.

It's good. There's a ton of imagery--which is always good--but try to embellish the person. Don't just compare her to personified objects--give her her own qualities, and make them sound completely unique.
Also, I wouldn't use the phrase 'murky brown irises'. It really detracts from the poem's romanticism. 'Murky brown' sounds like you're describing mud or poo or something, and 'irises' is too scientific.
Other than that, it's great!

Could you please answer my question now? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Avh32Opfar0hH2FfGAlFX8vsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid =20080301182731AAz58DU

maybe you can change "contents" to "lies"?

i love this poem very much. mind if i quote you, some lines would make a good msn name.

really good. the only thing i would say is swap the word 'contents' for something else. it just doesn't fit.

I'm not really into poems but it sounded really nice and like it came from an experienced author.